The Totally True Story of Two Men About to Have Sex

They were alone in John's quarters. The lighting was perfect, the recessed fixtures illuminating every inch of the room, no shadows pooling on the floor or in the corners. Not that either of them was into that sort of thing.

"I have sexual feelings for you, John," Rodney said, not making eye contact. "I've known I was gay all my life. I had my first sexual encounter at sixteen. My partner was also sixteen. I have gone on to have sex with several other men and am now an experienced, but not overly enthusiastic, lover. I would like to sleep with you, but you must know I don't allow any foreign objects to penetrate me anally."

John didn't make eye contact either. Carefully, non-sensually, he looked in Rodney's general direction. "I'm gay too," John said, his voice even. "I've also always been a man."

"Oh, me too!" Rodney hastened to say.

"If we lock the door and you help me drag that bookcase in front of it," John said, "I'll have sex with you, but you have to undress in the bathroom where I can't see you."

"As long as we have sex under the sheets in the missionary position." Rodney paused. "With the lights on."

John frowned. "But then I'll be able to see you, naked. We should probably turn them off."

"That's far too erotic!" Rodney protested. "Also you'll need to take down those sparkly curtains. And hide those floor pillows and candles!"

"I'm afraid you'll have to stop speaking," John said. "The sound of your voice is turning me on. It's unhealthy."

"I can't help it! It's just my voice!" Rodney could feel himself becoming distraught. He reached out to John and tried to kiss him.

"That's perverse!" John said, pushing him away. "I'm not going to kiss you while you're upset. You might like it."

"You're right, you're right, I'm sorry." Rodney tried to pull himself together. "How about I make up a spreadsheet so that we can keep track of whose turn it is to bottom, so that we are sure to penetrate each other equally and lovingly."

"Wait. Who said anything about love?" John asked.

"I don't -- I'm -- I'm pretty sure that's not on the list?" Rodney said. "I think it's okay."

"All right," John said. "As long as you don't love me too much, or, you know, weirdly."

"I'll love you just the right amount, in just the right way," Rodney promised.

And they lived unobjectionably ever after.