Lost in Translation

"I have been scared shitless too much lately," Mulder remarked casually, leaning against the wall of the warehouse, checking the clip of his gun. "A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries."

"Same old rules: no eyes, no groin," Scully reminded him.

"I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!" he shouted at the closed door of the rickety building.

Scully looked at her partner. "You daring lousy guy," she said sweetly. His eyes turned sad, and she threw her arms around his neck, one hand still holding onto her gun. They kissed.

A face appeared in the grimy half-broken window to the right of Mulder's head. "Quiet or I'll blow your throat up," the face hissed then disappeared.

"Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!" Mulder muttered.

Scully licked her lips. She was getting hungry. "You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken." She turned from him and kicked in the door. It splintered and gave, soft from the wet sea air. "Beware!" she called to the pituitary thieves. "Your bones are going to be disconnected."

Mulder rushed in behind her. "Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants."

"Yah-hah, evil spider woman!" a voice declared. "I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination."

Mulder spun around to find a short burly man holding his partner captive. Scully looked bored. Without warning, she twisted his arm and flipped him to the ground, placing one high heel on his neck to keep him in place.

"Beat him out of recognizable shape!" Mulder called like a homicidal cheerleader.

"I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way," the man with Scully's foot on his neck said indignantly. "I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!"

"Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep," Scully told him, crushing his windpipe with her suede pump. He died with a whimper and a crunch.

From the corner came a weak whisper, "The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?"

Mulder went over to investigate. "Gun wounds again?" he said to man on the floor. "Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?" he demanded.

"How can you use my intestines as a gift?" the bleeding man said weakly.

Scully knelt next to him. "This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the desert floor for your aunts to eat."

She was as good as her word.